Holidate (2020 Netflix)
Synopsis (via Netflix)
Sloane and Jackson hate being single on holidays where they face constant judgment from their meddling families. So, when these two strangers meet, they pledge to be each other’s “holidate” for every festive occasion in the year ahead.
Sloane (Emma Roberts, in typically sardonic fashion.) smokes a cigarette while croaking, “Fucking Holidays.” Her mother (The fab Frances Fisher), sister, and brothers want Sloane to find a MAN! Aunt Susan (The unbearable Kristin Chenoweth.) suggests Sloane get a “holidate” as she has for many, many… many years.
Meanwhile, Jackson is lured into a woman’s family Christmas with a blowjob/sex. Jackson storms out after a TMI with the woman’s parents and screams, “Chicks go MENTAL on the holidays.” Ugh, his movie needs to turn it around fast because it is starting rough and explicitly sexual for no reason whatsoever. (Not in a thirsty fun way, in a WTF way.)
Sloane and Jackson run into one another in line at a retail store. They bond over their hate for the holidays. Then they walk around the mall while talking about their favorite Christmas memories. Emma Roberts makes a bad Urkle impression, then mentions the “holidate” thing, and Jackson is intrigued.
There is a small scene with Jackson and his BFF Neil. (Netflix Movie fav, Andrew Bachelor.) I only mention it because Andrew Bachelor is always reliably funny and incredibly underutilized. (More of this man, please!)
It is NYE and Sloane and Jackson’s first holidate. They run into Aunt Susan, who mentions nude modeling and is with a different young man for the evening. There is a montage of Jackson and Sloan having fun, culminating with a random Dirty Dancing homage gone wrong. While they don’t kiss when the ball drops, they plan their next holidate for Valentine’s day.
Valentine’s day: Sloane runs into her ex-boyfriend Luc and his new girlfriend, Felicity, at a candy store. Jackson happens to be walking by and swoops in, pretending to be Sloane’s girlfriend. Then they talk about “pussy” and “handjobs.” while eating chocolate in the mall and later in the car.
St. Patrick’s Day- Emma Roberts wears a cute green wig, and everyone drinks to excess. Sloane runs into her brother, sister, and sister in law to remind us she has family who all wants Sloane to find a MAN.
Easter– Kid’s Easter egg hunt while “Move Bitch” by Ludacris plays. Aunt Susan is back dressed as a playboy bunny. (She would!) Sloane’s mother continues to set her daughter up with Faarooq.
Cinco de Mayo- I can’t even. We are just going to move on from this—cultural appropriation alert.
Mother’s Day: Elaine has brunch with Jackson and Sloane and encourages them to have sex.
4th of July: The family goes on a road trip to a family reunion at a lake house. On the ride up, Aunt Susan’s holidate peer pressures Liz to smoke some weed man. Jackson goes along too and blows off his finger with a firework. On the way to the hospital, Sloane drives terribly. Then they make terrible puns while smoking weed in the ER. Farooq is the doctor assigned to reattach Jackson’s finger, and his nurse is the mother from Blowjob Christmas. None of that goes anywhere.
At Liz and York’s wedding, which is NOT a holiday, Sloane beings Faarooq and AUNT SUSAN bring Jackson. Does Aunt Susan suck on his fingers??????????????????????????????? Yes. She does. On the dance floor, Liz and her father slow dance to “I’ll Make Love to You.” Then Aunt Susan sprains an ankle and is swooped away by Dr. Faarooq.
Halloween- Everyone wears costumes. Sloane runs into Luc and Felicity again and learns that they are pregnant. She has a breakdown, and Jackson takes her home. A laxative incident happens here. Jackson baths her, and they are falling in love now or at least admitting they are. They have sex the next morning. Abby, the sister, catches them while lamenting about kissing Neil and cheating on her husband.
Thanksgiving- Sloane rushes to the store after a burnt turkey incident. She runs into Jackson, who tells her that he misses her and loves her lips and eyes. (Eyeroll.) Then he calls her an asshole and talks about Ryan Rossling… Back at the house, the family argues, and Abby kissing Neil is revealed. Aunt Susan’s holidate has a heart attack, and she is reunited with Faarooq at the hospital and realizes she wants to be with him. They kiss in a rom-com way and then start humping.
Christmas (again)- The family is back at the mall with an AMAZING gospel choir. On an escalator, Sloane sees Jackson going the opposite way, and after a pep talk from her niece, “Don’t fuck it up,” Slone runs after her man screaming his name. Jackson doesn’t hear her, so the choir sings, “Jackkkksooon!” Then they give her the mic, and she makes a profanity-laced rom-com speech. He takes her back, and they kiss as the choir sings, “Joy to the World.”
The movie ends with a photoshopped montage of where they are now. The end!
Minority Report: Liz, C&B Sales Clerk, Faarooq, Luc, Neil, NYE girls, Liz’s parents, Paramedic, Nurse, Choir members.
🎄 (1 Christmas Tree)
🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 (5 glasses of wine required.)
*Photo Credit: © 2020 Netflix