Held Hostage in My House (2024 Lifetime)
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Cast: Amy Smart, Matthew Davis, Gilles Marini, Ne-Yo, Jayson Wesley
Director: Anna Elizabeth James
Writer(s): Anna Elizabeth James
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DonateDonate monthlyDonate yearlySynopsis (via Lifetime)
A single mother becomes trapped inside her own vacation rental and must piece together clues from the various guests who have stayed there in order to figure out who assaulted her and hopefully survive. Starring: Amy Smart, Matthew Davis, Greer Grammer, Jay Ali, Gilles Marini, with Ne-Yo and Billy Zane (2024).
Recap/Wine Thoughts
Amy Smart is tied to a bed by a masked figure in her farmhouse. Memories flash in her mind. Her home is pretty cute. (She rents it out to make money, because she is an artist.)
Cut to Amy Smart picking peaches from her peach orchard with her son, Charlie. As they walk back to the house, fire ants attack Amy Smart’s feet. She calls her friend and local handyman, Pete, to help her take care of them. She then drops her son off with her ex-husband Matt, who shares custody. Matt is getting engaged to a new woman, and he wants full custody after getting sober. Amy Smart isn’t going for that, so Matt calls someone and tells them it is time for “plan B.”
Amy Smart calls her rich/superficial friend Victoria for emotional support. Victoria is too busy being childless and flying on private jets to care.
When Amy Smart gets back home, she is surprised to see the door to the guest house left open. She goes inside to tell her guests that she isn’t quite ready for them. Then, the masked figure bashes her in the head and ties her to the bed. (It didn’t take long to get back to where we started.)
Amy Smart wakes up disoriented. She is not too worried because she is sure her actual guests will come. She believes she can get help. Amy Smart doesn’t know that the vacationers canceled, and she is alone with the masked figure. (And the fire and who are infesting the house. I’m not getting this metaphor, but I’m not that deep, ya know?)
Ne-Yo shows up in the first of many random flashbacks. He plays an art professor. (I don’t know what is more hilarious, Ne-Yo acting or Amy Smart pretending to be a college student.) Ne-Yo apparently stole some of Amy Smart works and took credit for them.
In the present, Charlie is on a camping trip with his dad, and it isn’t going well. He calls his mother, but she doesn’t answer because she is still tied to the bed. Peter also gets Amy Smart’s voicemail and texts that he will be by later in the week.
Through another flashback, we see Amy Smart welcoming one of her renters into the guest house. They are pretty obviously prostitutes. Amy Smart watches them through the window with opera binoculars. Amy asks Victoria to confirm, and then they call the police. Ramona, the pimp, is arrested and promises to get Amy Smart back!!!
I guess this catalog of flashbacks serves as Amy Smart’s way of thinking through suspects who might have access to the guest house to attack and hold her hostage???? Bizarre structure to this movie.
The next flashback is with Billy Zane in a wig. He is playing a role-playing, sex-crazed husband. He is spicing things up with his wife and girlfriend. He also invites Amy Smart to join them. This is the least developed of the flashbacks, but Billy Zane is there!
The NEXT flashback is of some guy named Gabriel who breaks down in the driveway while holding a gun. Amy Smart helps him up while he talks about his wife. Gabriel was having an affair with a twink in a crop top. Could it be Gabriel’s wife getting revenge for facilitating the secret gay love?
It’s been 24 hours in captivity, and Amy Smart starts to think of people closer to her as suspects. Could it have been Matt?
Oh, speaking of Matt, he gets engaged on the camping trip, but Charlie is not excited about it—AT ALL!!! He calls his mom again, but Charlie calls Victoria when he does not get an answer. Victoria becomes worried. She leaves the hot guy who’s peen we saw from Sex and the City Movie to check on her BFF. Charlie also gets a rideshare from the campsite to his home to check on his mother.
Hopefully, in the final flashback, we see Amy Smart going on a date with an extremely handsome man named Yousef. The date is extremely awkward, and I think Amy Smart should have let him just date me instead. (Well, not really, because he wants to be a dad, and I’m 100% team no kids, thanks.) The date goes well for them apparently because Amy Smart invites Yousef to a dinner party and shows him her art gallery, where they, of course, have Sex. She told him she wanted him to fuck her to death, so he is a suspect!
In the second half of this long movie, the ants really start to take over. It freaks me out. The ants crawl all over Amy Smart. She is tied to the bed and haunted by visions of the suspects from her past. Then, she suspects that they are helping her get free.
The movie has entirely gone off the deep end and is nonsensical.
Pete shows up to spray for ants and is attacked by two intruders. He is knocked unconscious. Then Charlie shows up and sees things out of order. He does some quick thinking and lies about taking out the trash. He runs and climbs a tree.
The intruders ransack the house looking for diamonds? When they can’t find them, they turn on each other, and one intruder gets shot in the foot. Amy Smart convinces them to untie her. She immediately wants to guzzle water from the faucet. Then, she will show them where the “loot” is. (Incredibly random, WTF!) Amy Smart leads the intruder outside, and Charlie literally jumps on the intruder.
The police arrive and take away the intruders, and Amy Smart is surprised to learn she doesn’t know her kidnappers. Normally, this is where a Lifetime movie would end, but we are treated to 20 more mins of this crap.
Amy Smart takes a bath and continues to obsess over who could have ordered the hitmen to kidnap her. Lucky for her, they all get together for Amy Smart’s art gallery opening. The event is totally pointless. However, we learn Victoria has a secret side hustle selling diamond jewelry.
Amy Smart confronts Victoria and realizes that their fun trips on private jets were to smuggle diamonds. Amy Smart was her mule. Victoria admits to working with Sex and the City guy in a huge black market diamond scheme. Amy Smart wears a wire and helps the police capture the bad guys.
Amy Smart skims some diamonds off the top (naturally) and hides them in her art. She happily lives with Yousef and Charlie. That’s the end.
Side Note/Stray Thoughts
Amy Smart?!?! Neyo?!?!? Billy Zane?!??! Why wasn’t this publicized more? (Nevermind, I watched the movie, and now I know)
I hate ants. This movie FUCKED ME UP! Ewwwwwwww!
Anna Elizabeth James is probably a good fit for Lifetime, but perhaps she should be less ambitious in her storytelling.
Overall rating
Number of Kills: None (0 knives)
Enjoyment Level (1-5 scale)
(0 Glasses of Wine)
Should you watch it?
Put a Cork in It (Skip it!)
What did you think of the movie? Let me know in the comments or on social media @LifetimeUncorked & @patrickmiguel.
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*Photo Credit: © 2024 A&E Television Networks, LLC
It was pretty good, but the characters swearing kind of ruined the movie for me.
That was the best part of the movie. 😉
What’s with the ants?? Who the hell greenlighted this trainwreck??? Lol
What’s with the ants?? Who the hell greenlighted this trainwreck???
So weird!
Great review it had me laughing. I know not to watch it however.