Smuggling in Suburbia (2019 Lifetime)

Smuggling in Suburbia (2019 Lifetime)

Cast: Darlene Vogel, Monroe Cline, Shelby Yardley

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Synopsis (via Lifetime)

A struggling single mother must fight for her teenage daughter’s freedom after she is arrested by federal agents for being involved in an illegal diamond smuggling operation.

Thoughts

The movie begins with a man with a knife chasing after a woman. He slashes her ankles, and the camera freezes—the voiceover of Joanie (the woman) plays, and we flashback six months.

Jonie is a new girl at school, and she gets invited to a pool party by Anabel and Sharnae. (THESE NAMES!) Jonie goes home to her cuties gay kid brother, Peter, who has debilitating stomach cramps while baking brownies. (Is he pregnant? NOPE, Stomach cancer.) Jonie’s mom, Georgia, learns about the pool party and gives her daughter a makeover.

At the pool party, Joanie and a hunk named Danny talk about traveling. Then Anabel makes out with him and calls him “boss.” The girls recruit Jonie to help them smuggle jewels in film canisters to New York. They ask her like they are going to the mall, and Jonie agrees. Apparently, Jonie thinks it is a legitimate business, and they are smuggling cameras? Is she an idiot?

While passing through the TSA, Joanie has trouble turning on her very obvious. Jewel smugging cameras. She is almost caught, but they make it through to NYC. Jonie meets the jewel distributor Tucker, and he kisses her on the cheek. Then Tucker takes her sightseeing. (Which is just bad photoshop in front of New York tourist traps.)

When Joanie returns home, her brother Peter has told their mother, Georgia, about the new job opportunity. Georgia thinks it is too good to be true and doesn’t like paying her in cash. Georgia needs the money, so she looks the other way.

Joanie realizes that she is smuggling more than cameras and creates a scene at the airport. She writes off Dann and Tucker (Even though she and Tucker have a “connection.”) When Peter is officially diagnosed with stomach cancer, and the medical bills start coming in, Joanie returns into the business.

Danny is suspicious of her and checks to see if Joanie is wearing a wire. A montage of smuggling happens, and Danny is shorting Joanie on her cut of the money for revenge. Tucker visits Joanie, and they make a five-year plan to get out of the business and start their lives together. Then they have sex with billowing curtains behind them, like softcore porn! (Not surprisingly, Danny is paranoid about the relationship.)

More drug smuggling and terrible photoshop happen. San Francisco, Miami, Chicago, and Phoenix. It is a choice. Joanie works her way back up to making equal pay as her co-smugglers. They celebrate with a fancy dinner and are interrupted by Georgia, who doesn’t like Tucker because he is too old for her daughter, NOT because he is a diamond smuggler.

When the girls come up, one diamond short. Danny questions Sharnae and Anabel. Sharnae gives a lot of sass to Danny, and he slits her throat. Anabel is so frightened that she pees herself. Joanie steps up her game and makes even more money. She pays for her brother’s surgery.

Peter is cancer-free, and Tucket visits the family in the hospital. Georgia invites him into a family picture. Joanie decides to leave the business, but Danny talks her into one more trip to Detroit. It is a setup, and Joanie is arrested. They get her to work with them as an informant, and he has to turn on Tucker.

Joanie agrees to set up Danny and tries to warn Tucker, but her mother stops her. Joanie makes a lame pitch about a sheik that she met who wants blood diamonds. They go for it, but Anabel overhears Joanie on the phone and warns Danny.

Georgia and Joanie call Tucker over and tell him about the sting operation. They try to convince him to make a statement to DHS, Tucker agrees. Danny shows up with his knife, and they fight. Danny stabs Tucker and then chases after Joanie. We are back to the start of the movie. Georgia calls 911 and knocks Danny out. Tucker and Joanie make a five year plan as he dies and THAT is the end of the movie!?!?!

Side Note

Minority Report: Blood Diamond Guy, Detectives, Lawyer,

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Overall rating

🔪🔪 (2 Knives)

🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 (5 glasses of wine required.)