Secrets in Suburbia (2017 Lifetime)

Secrets in Suburbia (2017 Lifetime)

Stars: Brianna Brown, Tara Conner, Joe Williamson

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Synopsis (via Lifetime)

After discovering that her three best friends and her husband are plotting to murder her and steal her family fortune, Gloria, an otherwise kind-hearted housewife, and mother of two, unfolds and exacts a deadly revenge on all who betrayed her. In this sexy, soapy tale of love, lust, and hate, no one can be trusted.

Thoughts

A man with no shirt and a bowtie wheels out a macabre wedding cake to a fancy array of guests. All the servers are shirtless buff men.. I’m intrigued. Turns out a woman named Scarlet, a fierce kween, is throwing herself a divorce party. (Super into this already.) Scarlet thanks her friends who helped her through the divorce: Monica(a divorce attorney), Kim (a realtor), and Gloria (A stay at home mom who is married to a cutie named Phil.) They make a toast on stage in front of all the guests. The party is cut short when the ex-husband, Troy, fires a gun into the crowd. He screams that Scarlet is fake, and he made her what she is. Gloria tries to reason with him, but Troy kills himself by shooting himself in the head and falling into the pool. His final words. “I love that Bitch.” (Woah, what a beginning.)

A title card reads, “Gloria.” We see Gloria’s homelife she has and angsty teenage daughter and a cute kid son with glasses. Gloria sends her kids off for the weekend and pours herself and Phil some wine. Gloria nags him about leaving the trash open and the dog getting into it. They do not want to go to the party and argue about money. As they leave for the party, Gloria runs upstairs to grab and earing. The printer (who has a printer at home.) is out of paper; she puts in more paper and out prints two boarding passes to Buenos Aires. VERY SUSPICIOUS! Gloria thinks that Phil is leaving her.

When they get to the party, Gloria asks Monica about Phil. Monica claims to know nothing and squashes Gloria’s questions of Phil and Scarlet, possibly having an affair. (Phil and Scarlet previously dated and now that Scarlet is rich and single, it seems like Phil might want to trade up.)

After the party and the suicide, Gloria gives Phil a number for a couple’s therapist and insists that they go. 

Next, the friends go to Troy’s funeral, where Scarlet makes a scene of crying over the casket. 

Back at the party, we see Scarlet’s side of things. Gloria is right, Scarlet and Phil are hooking up. Phil is hot and cold with her, though, and breaks it off. Gloria confronts Scarlet about the affair and says she knows what is going on. Scarlet denies everything cooly. Scarlet is over the top. She chugs wine and says things like:

” I don’t know who said it, but frankly I don’t give a damn.” and “You wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight.” (Haha, okay GURL.)  

Switching the POV is hard to explain, but I think it works well. I could use more title cards to help keep track of when things are happening. 

Phil puts something in Gloria’s bottles of wine; then, he throws the syringe in the trash. Phil has some anger issues with his wife. He judges her parenting and berates her constantly. Gloria recalls their rough patch started when her father died and left Phil out of the will. 

Monica’s turn to get some backstory. We see her at the party getting holdovers and talking to Phil. They grew up together in the poor part of town and are scheming to get more money. After the party, they make secret phone calls while ominous music plays. They meet on a bridge and smile at one another. I think they are going to kiss, but they just talk about money. (With redubbed audio!)

Meanwhile, Gloria finds her dog tired by the trash. The pup got into the poison, and she rushes to the vet. On her way, Gloria gets into an accident and is admitted to the hospital. The doctor is concerned about Gloria’s liver function and wants to run some tests, but Phil declines and takes Gloria home against medical advisement. 

Gloria is laid up on the couch. She has a leg cast and a neck brace. While she is drugged up, Phil tries to talk to her about the ten million dollar trust her father set up for the kids. When Phil presses her, Gloria says her father thought Phil was a worthless bum, and she will not be touching the trust. He poisons her some more, this time with OJ. She spills the juice passes out. When Phil comes home, he tries to give his wife some more juice, and she declines. Gloria accuses him of having an affair with one of her friends and cries while holding her neckbrace. (It is a very unflattering neckbrace, by the way.)

Now in a wheelchair and home alone, Gloria gets up to put a book away and falls. (Maybe from too much poison juice.)Phil comes home and finds her on the floor; he takes her pulse and calls 911. Gloria goes back to the hospital, and the doctor is pissed. Gloria is going to have to go on dialysis. 

Gloria is home alone again, where are her kids?!? (Oh, Camp. Who cares.)Phil gives her the ashes for the dog who died from poison, and she cries some more. Then she sees Phil leave the trash lid open again and realizes that the dog must have gotten into something. She calls the vet who informs her it was Anti-Freeze. When Gloria goes to the trash, she finds empty bottles of the substance and knows her husband has been poisoning her. 

For some reason, from now on, she dumps the juice he gives her into plants. (Haha) We get a “training montage” of Gloria regaining her strength and going for runs while Phil is out meeting Monica. It is on one of these runs that Gloria sees them meeting on the bridge. 

Gloria prepares for a night out with the girls. Phil is VERY confused when he sees her healthy. Phil takes a shower while Gloria puts some anti-freeze in a bottle of wine and steals his phone.

At Scarlet’s house for a girl’s night, Gloria arrives with wine and bloody. She says she killed Phil in self-defense. The women are horrified and open the bottle of wine while Gloria takes a shower and gets dolled up. She cries to her friends and asks them to cover for her. The friends are all starting to feel woozy and sick. 

Finally, we get Kim’s backstory. Do you even remember Kim!?! (She is the redhead.) Phil is having an affair with her, for real. THAT IS IT! 

Back at girl’s night, Kim grabs a butcher knife. Scarlet finds her and tries to talk sense into her. Gloria blames all three of her friends for falling for Phil’s shenanigans. Kim attacks Gloria with the knife, and Gloria pulls out a gun from her purse and shoots Kim. Kim dies, and then Gloria accuses Monica of trying to steal her money.

The police arrive on the scene and try to make sense of it all. Hey, cops, I can’t either, don’t feel bad. Monica and Scarlet sweet talk to the cops and get them to let Gloria go. Monica leaves but is not feeling well. 

Gloria returns home and calls the police for attempted murder; she sends them to the airport where he is boarding a flight to Buenos Aires. Then she gets out a colossal cello, and fake plays it while more time jumps happen. 

Monica crashes her car on the way home and dies; Scarlet hangs herself, and Phil apprehended before getting away. 

The end!?

Side Note

Minority Report: Monica

This movie reminds me of when I was a kid playing Rich/Poor Barbies with my friends. 

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Overall rating

🔪🔪 (2 Knives)

🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 (5 glasses of wine required.)

*Photo Credit: © 2017 Lifetime