Remote Paradise (2016 Lifetime)

Remote Paradise (2017 Lifetime)

Cast: Boti Bliss, Antonio Sabato Jr., Ion Overman, Jacqueline Lord, Caia Coley

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Synopsis (via Lifetime)

A dark family secret comes to light when a woman finds a bone marrow donor for her granddaughter. (2021)

Thoughts

The movie begins with a couple of scuba divers. The man undoes the woman’s air tank and almost kills her because she surfaces too fast. The special effects are most likely done with Microsoft Paint. 

Cut to San Francisco, where we meet Tamera, who is going through a dramatic and poorly acted breakup. Then an estate lawyer arrives to talk to Tamera’s father’s estate. Tamera isn’t even phased that her father was dead and is extremely salty- even though she has inherited a million dollars. The Estate lawyer congratulates her and says the kiss of death line… “What’s the worst that could happen.” 

Tamera invites her best friends on an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii. They are welcomed by Daphnie, who is in a lot of Lifetime Movies. Antonio Sabado Jr. is also on this island and watches the girls with binoculars. He rents out his boat to tourists and offers to take Tamera, Dena, and Sherry out the next day. Then he seduces Tamera with his fake ass Italian accent. Tamera is thrilled and too much. (Think Under the Tuscan Sun with a very annoying Diane Lane stand-in.) 

After some encouragement for her girlfriends, which includes classic lines like:

“Gurl, I’m serious!” and “Get that Italian man!”

We get a beach montage, including underwater shots, paddle boarding, and lots of shirtless Antonio Sabado Jr. (Which you can’t ever be mad about.) As the sun sets, he tells Tamera that she is negative and asks her to look for the silver linings. Then they have sex on his boat. 

The following day, Tamera does a walk of shame back to the hotel and is horrified to find her friend Dena was beaten and raped. Tamera finds the body and blames herself for the attack. Antonio Sabado Jr. offers to go to the hospital with her, but Tamera dramatically says no. At the hospital, Tamera and Sherry stay strong #ForDena.

The timeline starts getting strange. I guess Dean dies? Tamera sells her house and buts her dream home, and pays Sherry’s mortgage. Then it is randomly Christmas. Tamera is going to see Antonio Sabado Jr. again, this time on her own. 

Tamera and Antonio Sabado Jr. frolick on the beach and have lots of sex. When she wakes up in the morning, she habitually screams, “DARIO!” Which is a great thing to wake up for. 

Things start to get fishy when a worker at the hotel tells Tamera that Antonio Sabado Jr. is just the Capitan of the boat and can’t even afford a hotel room. Tamera tries to book a room when Antonio Sabado Jr. ditches her. Her cards are all declined. Tamera goes into a room and flops on the bed crying hysterically. then she looks at her bank account on her phone and screams, “Where’s my money!”

On the news, a story about a boating accident confirms that Antonio Sabado Jr. is missing, and his boat was reported stolen a year ago. She doesn’t know to be upset about the money or her missing boyfriend.

Dena comes out of her coma, and her friends rush to her side with WAYYYYY too much energy. Dena tells them that Dario AKA Antonio Sabado Jr. attacked her. The girls promise to get revenge. Tamera calls the coast guard and is extremely bossy about how he should pull the reports. They check the passports and finds out that Dario is Frederico. 

Sherry and Tamera call up the FBI and get his address; then they do a stakeout in front of his house. They follow him into a club, and Sherry seduces him. They go for a ride in his sports car, and he promises to keep her safe. Tamera tails the car but loses them while on the phone with the police. 

Dario/Frederico turns out to be a career conartist. He was cellmates with Tamera’s father and learned about the inheritance. He went after it and killed her father. 

At Dario’s house, Sherry slips some drugs into his wine. When he passes out, she runs away and finds Tamera hiding outside in the bushes. They clomp around the house in their high heels and look for bank statements. When they can’t find them, Tamera starts slapping the shit out of him for a confession. 

He transfers money to Tamera after Sherry holds a gun to his head. He still withholds information, and Tamera shoots him until the leg and promises him that he will be back in jail. When he grabs Tamera, Shery shoots him a lot.

With the money back in everyone’s account and Dario dead, the girls are back together and hug. They go on their next beach trip and promise no men this time!

Side Note

Minority Report: Sherry, Dario, Mr. Meyers, Coast Guard, 

Also known as: Dark Paradise

This movie seemed like an excuse to take a vacation, you can’t be mad at that. This movie is ionically bad, but very watchable.

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Overall rating

🔪 (1 Knife)

🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 (5 glasses of wine required.)

*Photo Credit: © 2016 Lifetime® | A+E Networks®

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