Deep Blue Nightmare or Shark Season (2021 Lifetime)
Synopsis (via Lifetime)
Having kayaked offshore for a deserted island photoshoot, Sarah, and friend Meghan, become the target of an aggressive great white shark. Now the women must fend off the deadly predator until James, Sarah’s take-charge father can guide emergency services to their rescue. Michael Madsen, Paige McGarvin, Juliana Destefano, Jack Pearson star. (2021)
The movie starts in tropical blue waters with suspenseful music playing. Then we see a blonde paddleboarder heading out into the shallow waves. Below the surface, things are so calm. Stock footage of sharks are inserted, then we get the good old LIFETIME CGI SHARKS! (Aka, they are terrible.) The shark eats the blonde paddleboarder, and all that is left is her bloody life preserver, which didn’t do its job.
Cut to a rough-looking man with an earring rummaging through a large box and sentimentally looking at paintings in a barn. He calls his daughter, Sarah, and tells her to follow in her mother’s footsteps and start painting. (She isn’t into the idea because her mom only passed away one year ago of ALS.) He is concerned for his daughter, who is a “water baby,” and plans to spend the day Kayaking in a bay and doing a photo shoot.
Sarah has a hunky “friend”, Jason, who is a photographer. He brings a makeup artist with them on the three-hour trip. Jason suggests hitting up the Outerbanks instead of the bay because it has “killer views.” and probably killer sharks. The movie shows the trio paddling in open water and chatting while sharks swim below. They see some dolphins and see that they have bite marks! (The sharks continue to circle below.)
They make it to the island and start shooting photos. (James, thankfully, is shirtless the whole time.) It’s like an episode of America’s Next Top Model, except the photos are all terrible. Mid photo shoot James clears things up with Megan about him and Sarah NOT being a couple. Then they talk about how “dope” the lighting is and shoot some underwater shots. Megan sees a shark and screams for Sarah and Jason to swim back. Jason doesn’t make it back, and the girls comically scream in terror. Then they rummage through their bags to find a cell phone. Conveniently both their batteries are dying. Sarah is insistent that she is calling her dad instead of 911. Megan gets it. (Honestly, me neither, Megan.) The call goes through, and the coast guard and Sarah’s dad try to find them with “cell phone pings” and “GPS locations.” (There is a long monotonous explanation of how they will find them.) It doesn’t look promising.
The tide is coming in quickly, and the girls will leave the rocks soon and head back into shark-infested waters. The kayaks float away from the tide, and they swim out to their boats. They make it and head out. The sharks chase them; there are like five or six swimming around them. Then dolphins show up and fight the sharks. CGI DOLPHINS FIGHT THE CGI SHARKS!!!! (This ridiculous, even for Lifetime shark movie standards, which are already low.)
Megan gets tired, and they have to stop paddling. (I’ve never related to Megan more.) They tie their kyaks together to scare off the sharks, but that only makes the sharks angrier. Someone shows up on a jet ski and tries to save them, but the sharks eat him by knocking him off his jet ski. They scream at each other some more. So much screaming. Everything is at a ten, including a “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!” directed at the shark.
They find another sandbank, and Megan really pops off on Sarah about how selfish she is. Megan loved Jason and tells Sarah that she took him for granted. Sarah ignores the Jason stuff and vows to outsmart the sharks and then live a long life. It includes a bizarre monologue about tea. And her mother’s death. A helicopter flies overhead, and they scream for them.
Megan tries to get her solar phone charger to work with Sarah’s phone. It is broken, but she uses the old Nintendo blow on it trick, and the charger starts up. Then they scream at one another some more. Sarah calls her dad, and he mansplains what King Tides are. She tells her dad that she loves him and starts crying as the phone goes dead.
More extraordinarily boring and tedious tracking talk happens between the coast guard and Sarah’s dad.
With the king tide taking away all their land resources, Sarah and Megan decide to head back out into the water. They stab sharks with knives. Then wave down a chopper. The pilot sees them and takes a picture; then, he heads back to refuel, leaving the girls stranded.
Another rescue boat shows up but can’t get to them and tells them to paddle to him. He dares to tell them to hurry. (Rude!) Megan and Sarah are knocked off their kayaks by sharks and swim towards the boat. Sarah takes a paddle and uses it to protect herself while treading water. She stabs the shark in the face and kills it. Cue a CIG Shark death scene.
Sarah and Megan are saved! Sarah calls her thankful dad, who is happy daughter is okay. He calls her a “tough cookie” and tells her that her mom would be proud of her. Sarah tells him that she wants to starts painting in her mom’s studio. Her dad inexplicably puts on his sunglasses in the house and tells her that he loves her.
Megan tells Sarah that she can do her own makeup next time.
Minority Report: N/A
Also Known as Shark Season
File this one under so bad it’s almost good. Almost.
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