Mother May I Sleep With Danger (2016 Lifetime)
Cast: Tori Spelling, James Franco, Ivan Sergei, Emily Meade, Leila George, Nick Eversman
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Synopsis (via Lifetime)
Starring Tori Spelling, Ivan Sergei, and Lisa Bane. A naive college student finds the boyfriend of her dreams, but her mother begins to suspect that his charm is masking something terrible. Based on the book by Claire R. Jacobs. Directed by James Franco.
The movie begins with a blonde teen sauntering home from a night out with her friends. She lights candles and invites a brunette girl over. They are girlfriends and makeout while taking pictures of one another. Things take a turn, and the blonde turns out to be a vampire. (I know this movie came out in 2016, but Vampires were over by then, and we were onto zombies by then… right?) The town is crawling with teen girl vampires who are bloodthirsty.
Ivan Sergei (from the original movie.) plays a teacher. He gives a lesson on the history of vampires. Leah is a smarty pants in class and also a theatre nerd. She auditions for the part of Macbeth in the school play with a guy named Bob. James Franco is the director of the play, because why not. Leah gets the part.
KWEEN Tori Spelling plays Leah’s mother. When Leah asks to bring over a “special friend,” Tori Spelling is thrilled. Leah is dating the brown-haired vampire girl named Pearl. Pearl is a photographer who only goes out at night and is planning on turning Leah into a vampire. (I can’t believe I’m writing these words! This is so stupid.)
At the big dinner, Tori Spelling does her best to cook and thinks that it is Bob coming to dinner. She is surprised when Leah brings Pearl and doesn’t put together Leah was gay. Pearl opens up about her parents being dead and Leah shares that her father was murdered at the grocery store by a gunman. Tori Spelling makes some tea and tries to lighten the mood. Leah comes out to Tori Spelling, who doesn’t take it well. She is overwhelmed and goes to bed.
Horny Macbeth happens.
Bob sees Leah and Pearl kissing. He starts following Pearl and calls Tori Spelling to warn her that Pearl is “sketchy” and probably doing drugs. Tori Spelling screams at her daughter and bans her from seeing Pearl. Then Tori Spelling calls the school and learns that Pearl is not a student!!!!
The vampire girls go to a party and see a gut taking advantage of a drunk girl. They eat him. There is a lot of gore here. (I’m scared!)
Pearl comes clean to Leah about being a vampire. Leah runs away.Tori Spelling hides in the bushes and sees the whole thing. (Haha!)
Eventually, Leah forgives Pearl and tells her that she still loves her. Leah asks Pearl to turn her into a Vampire, but Pearl refuses and tells Leah to stay away from her.
Next, we go to a masquerade or maybe a Halloween party. Leah is drugged at the party by Bob and taken outside. The vampires eat him too, and Tori Spelling comes out screaming and acting the best she can through her Botox. (She looks great, BTW.)
It is the opening night of the play, and they go through some lame theatre warms ups. Bob shows up to perform his role. (He is a vampire now too.) The play is super goth, and Leah has a panic attack on stage when Bob goes off-script. The cast turns into vampires and chases Leah off stage. James Franco is unimpressed that they ruined his play.
Tori Spelling runs after her daughter and tries to stop bob from biting her daughter. Meanwhile, Pearl fights all the other vampires to save her girlfriend. Tori Spelling doesn’t make it and dies. (WTF!) Pearl ends up turning Leah anyway.
One year later, there are still vampires who go to Halloween parties. (Wow. What did I just watch?)
Minority Report: None
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