Newlywed Nightmare (2023 Lifetime)
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Synopsis (via Lifetime)
Newlyweds Lauren and David are enjoying their honeymoon when Lauren suddenly disappears. Between footage of Lauren walking with another man and noticing David’s bank account has been drained, police believe Lauren left on her own. But David knows that Lauren would never leave him like that; she must have been abducted. With the help of a private investigator named Gina, David focuses on finding his wife. Elsewhere, Lauren?who really has been kidnapped?is being forced by her captors to become involved with a money laundering scheme. But could the true goal of this scheme go much deeper than money? Stars Sarah Borne, Yoshi Sudarso, Catherine Dyer, and Olivia Jordan (2023).
The movie begins with Hunk David and his date, Cynthia, enjoying a nice evening on his front porch. He walks her to her car at the end of the date, and they do NOT kiss. Homegirl did not check the backseat because someone pops up and kills Cynthia.
One Year Later, David is in a new relationship with a woman named Lauren. They are recently married after a whirlwind romance. The honeymoon is, unfortunately, in David’s hometown of Atlanta because his father passed away, and they are setting his affairs.
Before bed, Lauren takes a hit of her inhaler, and then the couple starts having sexy time. David sees his obsessive ex-girlfriend/Stalker named Sadie. (See killer in the backseat.) He decides to get some rest because he is losing it.
The next morning David tells Lauren about his ex, and Lauren doesn’t seem too concerned. Their conversation is interrupted by a PI named Gina, who buys their breakfast and sits with them. Gina is visiting the hotel, and when she sees the newlyweds, they remind her of her and her husband. Lauren thinks it is lovely of Gina to wish them well.
Lauren and David go hiking in the woods. When he goes for a jog and leaves Lauren alone, she is chased by a scary man with a baseball cap. Lauren can’t get away because her inhaler is out. Just as the man catches up to her, David shows up. They file a police report, and David tells the police about a time Gina smashed his car window when she caught him talking to another woman… his cousin. (Haha, very random flashback.)
When they return to the hotel, there is a present on the nightstand. It is a Tiffanys baby rattle. Lauren loves it and thinks it is a thoughtful gift. The only problem is… David didn’t get it.
A man kidnaps Lauren while shopping at a downtown flea market. David goes to the police, who say the video evidence shows Lauren left willingly with another man.
That isn’t true, and Lauren is held captive in a warehouse. Saide is the mastermind behind the abduction and shows up wearing a lot of makeup and sexy business attire. (It’s weird; is she a mob boss? I’m confused.)
David hires Gina as a PI to help bring Lauren back. Pretty convenient that Gina just happened to be a guest at the hotel. They go around town looking for clues.
Meanwhile, Lauren is being escorted to a bank by Sadie in a terrible wig. Lauren will remove all the money from her and David’s joint account and wire it to an offshore account.
David tries to rent a car, and his cards get declined. He tries to take out cash from the ATM and sees his empty bank account. He starts beating the ATM like a madman. He has another flashback, and it turns out that David was briefly married to Sadie?!?! Gina listens to him and reassures him that everything will be okay.
Lido is a hot guy who is working for Sadie. I don’t know what he does, but woah, the guy is striking! Saide then shows Lauren a “Marriage Certificate” that looks like a school-perfect attendance award. Sadie never turned in the divorce paperwork.
The cops are crooked too, and are working with Saide and her men.
Lauren attempts to escape using the old “I’ve got to go to the bathroom” trick. A hitman with a man bun stops her before she can get away.
David resorts to drinking and asking bartenders if they’ve seen the man who stole his wife. The bartenders are chatty and give him the address.
Sadie turns out not to be a badass boss bitch, and her life is threatened by the man bun guy and his friend. They need the money faster than Lauren can remove it from the bank. Lauren’s asthma starts acting up, and Sadies takes her to the bathroom for steam. While they are in there, Lauren levels with Sadie and offer to help her. During the long bathroom chat, Sadie says the kidnapping was all a ploy for David’s money. Lauren calls and ends things with David, thinking that he is working work the assassins. (Are you following this because I barely am!!!!!)
The bank teller helping Lauren turns out to be hot when he gets up from behind his desk. Those glasses had me fooled for sure! I thought he was a dork. He ALSO finds a post it Lauren wrote that reads “SOS” and lists his number. The low-key hot bank teller calls David and tells him when Lauren is coming to the bank.
David follows Lauren from the bank but is punched in the face when he parks his car. The men tie David up inside, and Sadie is excited to see him. She thinks David is in love with him. Sadie shows him a sonogram and tells him she lost the baby while crying and screaming. Sadie’s plan is convoluted, but the movie goes back and tries to show us it was well plotted out through flashbacks. The flashbacks explain nothing, really.
Lauren goes into another asthma attack because why not! It is a distraction enough for Lauren to untie herself and fight with Sadie. Lauren unties David, who has an inhaler in his pocket, and grabs a cell phone to call for help. Lauren runs out just as the BIG BOSS comes in.
Gina has been the one orchestrating everything. Gina is Sadie’s stepmother???? Gina and Sadie’s dad had a plan all along to get David’s money. Gina has Lido take care of Sadie, but then the REAL police show up and arrest everyone. It’s very anticlimactic.
A new story sums up everything in a few seconds; the crimes aren’t very interesting.
David and Lauren enjoy 15 mins of fame. They read the comments section and are touched by messages from strangers.
So many questions, WHY did Sadie’s parents want David’s money? Is Hot Lido single? Did David ever go to his dad’s funeral or care that his dad died? Did his dad even die, or did I make that up?
Minority Report: David, Cynthia, Natalie, Jimmy, Shawn,
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Number of Kills:
🔪 (1 knife)
Enjoyment Level (1-5 scale)
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