Britney Ever After (2017 Lifetime)

It is worse than you could ever imagine.

Britney Ever After (2017 Lifetime)

Cast: Natasha BassettNathan KeyesNicole Oliver

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Synopsis (via Lifetime)

Britney Jean Spears was just a young girl from Louisiana trying to make a name for herself in the music scene when her talent became undeniable to all those around her. While handlers soon began planning her every move, Britney found solace with fellow pop singer Justin Timberlake. Tragically, as Britney’s star continued to shine, her private life crumbled after the divorce of her parents and her tabloid breakup with Justin. Her personal behavior soon eclipsed her pop icon success as a quickie marriage to childhood friend and later, an ill-fated marriage to dancer Kevin Federline, became the talk of the world. With her life spiraling out of control, Britney hit rock bottom, lost custody of her sons and was placed under her father’s conservatorship. But despite her past troubles, Britney has battled back to rebuild her career to its former glory, proving to everyone that she’s a timeless force in entertainment.

Thoughts

The movie begins with a “Britney Spears.” avoiding paparazzi and being overwhelmed by famous. Knock off pop music plays, and it wishes it could be even half as iconic as Britney’s actual music.

Flash to 1998, Britney and her family are starting their first tour as an opening act for NSYNC. Britney is thrilled with her tour bus stashed with Cheetos and a Furby. Lynne Spears and Jamie are controlling of their daughter and argue over the small details. Larry Rudolph is also there running the business side of things.

Justine Timberlake shows up and tells Britney that she is “the bomb diggity.” (This movie is incredibly embarrassing already.) Britney performs, before any music plays, we cut away to after the concert at a diner. Jamie Spears has anger/financial issues. They leave Britney to finish the tour and go home to continue to work. 

Natasha Bassett, who plays Britney Spears, is nothing like the popstar. You wouldn’t even know it was supposed to be Britney Spears if she didn’t refer to herself by name repeatedly.

Justin and Britney start hooking up and have sex on the tour bus while the other NSYNC members are sleeping. Brtiney talks to the press about Justin and says he was her everything. 

A 2000 VMA performance recreation happens that is truly pathetic. Simplistic choreography set to a Britney Spears knockoff singing “Satisfaction.” Here is the original so you can compare and contrast.

Wade Robinson comes into the picture as Britney’s chorographer; Justin is not a fan and gets jealous. Britney tells Justin he has nothing to worry about, but she spends so much time working on getting her tour ready. (Which is just doing hairography.) Justin and Britney play phone tag forever, and it isn’t a sustainable relationship. When they are together, they are jealous and nasty to one another. When they get into an argument, Britney and Wade hook up. Justin finds out and breaks up with her.

Britney moves to LA, and things get even more out of control. The paparazzi begin trailing her wherever she goes. Her parents get a divorce, and it derails her. Britney starts drinking and partying at clubs. She runs into Justin, and they get into a dance-off. (I know this really happened, but it is ridiculously depicted in this movie. Like, neither of these actors are good dancers, and the music sucks.)

Larry Rudolph wants Britney to focus on her branding and less on partying. Then he makes her sing a cover of Patsy Cline??? The recording session is pretty lame here. 

Britney gets married to Jason Alexander, and he is the first true shirtless hunk of the movie. (Which is a shame.) Larry and Lynne show up and force Britney to have the marriage annulled. 

In the literal next scene, she is dating Kevin Federline. Cue a montage of Britney and Kevin partying inner cut with another cover of a Britney cover of “I Love Rock n Roll.” They get married after the montage. Britney’s family is even more confused than I am. This movie’s timeline is jam-packed—so many montages of mediocre dancing don’t move the plot forward. 

Britney fires Larry and is on a downward spiral. She has kids now, and Kevin is MIA. Brtiney is left to take care of her children while getting her pre-baby body back. She starts to rely on pills and continues to party.

2007, the movie skips over this period entirely because it would be a legal nightmare. No head shaving, not talking with a British accent, no Paris Hilton parties. 

Britney prepares for her comeback but seeing Justin Timberlake backstage at the VMA’s sends her into a daze. Her performance is a public embarrassment. The performance in this movie is even worse and super low budget.

Sam Lutfi becomes Britney’s new manager, and it doesn’t go well. She continues to party, is estranged from her family, and loses custody of her kids. The movie implies she is being held against her will but is very vague about it.

The 501C3 incident is casually referenced. Britney ends up in the hospital and talks with a doctor. She tells him that everyone speaks fro her, and she is a person. She wants to go to an island where no one knows her. Britney enters therapy.

Sam is issued a restraining order, and Jamie Spears is her conservator. She is still working in the industry, and the movie portrays her as an award winner for Piece of Me, which was the same time as her breakdown. Then her Vagas Residency is her comeback moment. 

The story is far from over, and I’m not sure it ends happily ever after. 

Side Note

Minority Report: Reporter, Assistant, Doctor, Nurse. 

This movie is an insult to all Britney Spears fans or fans AND haters.

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Overall rating

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*Photo Credit: © 2017 Lifetime

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On October 27th, friend/co-host/producer of Lifetime Uncorked Drewbear suffered a stroke and was admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery. The surgery went well, and doctors are assessing what his road to recovery will look like. Please consider helping by donating to the GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/drews-current-situation The podcast will be taking an indefinite hiatus. (Patrick will continue to run the blog and social media for Lifetime Uncorked. The future of the podcast is unknown at this time. We hope to return in some capacity soon!) We would like to thank our listeners for four years of laughter, Lifetime, and wine. We are pouring it up for you all. — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/lifetime-uncorked/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lifetime-uncorked/support
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